For the not so acknowledged person in my life

Papa, dad, baba, all these words are synonymous with the word father a person who is probably the closest to any one. But for me in some way I always thought that I can never be very close to him emotionally or may be I thought that I could never have the same emotional association with him like the way I have with maa.

Papa was always the one to give me what I wanted in physical terms be it clothes, gifts, cars or even money for that matter. He is the one to pamper my material needs and I indisputably have always got what I wanted even before I have asked for it. But somewhere I thought that emotional connection was lacking and that I could never share any of my secrets or sorrows with him like I do with ma. May be I am at some level scared of him.

But lately as I grow up and start delving more into things I realized that even though there is no superficial emotional connect we connect at a very profound level where I don’t need to tell him when I need him the most and he is there for me.

This feeling stirred me up when recently I was extremely sad and thought that I have no one beside me excluding ma. I went to the living room to sit with my entire family ( which is a custom at my house every evening) just to accomplish my duty of a good daughter, when my dad called me and hugged me tightly and said “You are the most special person in my life “(after two pegs of scotch) . He did this quite frequently whenever he was high and that kind of annoyed me most of the times but somehow that day I had tears rolling down my eyes.

Even now when I am not going through a very ecstatic phase in my life and papa has absolutely no clue of that (at least I never let him know) but still he send me ticket to come back home thrice in a month. May be this is what you call the inner bond or the parental bond. At least this has made me realize the worth of my family. I guess this reinforces that the incredibly clichéd phrase “every dark cloud has a silver lining” is in fact true.

Its 4 30 pm and i was in the car with ma, arko (my brother) and troy( my dog) , my driver is zooming through the traffic because i have a flight in less than an hours time, ma is tensed if i would be able to make it on time, but streams of tears are rolling down my eyes and when the car enters the gate of the airport on time i finally burst out saying ...

"why did we reach on time?" clenching ma's hand and crying like a little girl who was punished by her teacher.......

"there is no place for emotions in this world" said ma her eyes red, the tear drop on the verge of popping out.....

Every time papa books my ticket for kolkata for some reason I feel sad because i don't want to go back, i don't want a change. I guess i am scared of change. Because its the same feeling when its time for me to go back to Mumbai from Home.

someone somewhere had said that "change is the only constant element of our lives".

But i would say its the most inevitable element in our lives....

p.s Its time for me to leave home and go back to Mumbai...

love and familiarity

It’s late at night,

Both of them have lost the track of time.

The October sky looks magnificent,

The pitch dark sky embedded with shining crystals. .

He asks her “Are you scared of the dark?”

And she just stares at the sky admiring its beauty.

But he could not see anything more beautiful than her,

Though it was dark and he could barely see her face.

Something was bothering him,

Was it her indifference or distance?

Did she really love him?

Or was it that uncanny familiarity that they had shared for years now.

It was not the same as before,

It definitely wasn’t.

But he could not understand why,

May be that is what was bothering him.

Parting

My first film in a theatre was with you,

So was my first date.

The first time I had a sip of alcohol,

or the first time I smoked a cigarette.

You were there in all my “first times”.

The fights we had and the love we shared.

The first time I saw what the city looked at night,

The rock concerts and the candle light dinners.

The insane fights followed by the stream of tears.

You were there in all my “zaniness”

But all this was possible only because you were there,

And never gave me a chance to feel your absence.

I took you for granted, misbehaved with you.

Like children do with their parents.

Because you are my family.

But today when I realize that you are actually going away,

For not very long but still,

I miss you and I feel sad.

Because in life you don’t easily get friends

And when you do, you don’t want to part from them.

Actors

Sometimes I wonder why we crib that there are no good actors in bollywood, because if we look around us we will find brilliant actors everyday. But the only thing that surprises me is that if they are such good actors then why they are even wasting their time and energy in any other profession which doesn’t even pay them one percent of what they could have earned by being a professional actor.

But on the other hand they achieve a lot of things anyways by their acting skills as well, things such as love which is so hard to find these days. I guess only actors these days find love, and if we look deeper it’s true an actor of any kind gets much more love than anyone else, be it our bollywood actors or real life actors. We all love them but all they have to do is just pretend to love us and once they get what they want they stop pretending as well. So I guess the losers are the people who love them actually looser is a wrong word, id rather call them fools.

I have had a very close encounter with such an actor and trust me he was outstanding at his job. I mean so convincing and effortless that he truly would have got an Oscar if he acted professionally.

Kudos to such people! I deeply, truly envy you guyz!!!!

happy ending

I was just wondering how many people believe in happy endings? After all that is happening around us do we still believe in happy endings? I some how have always believed in them and guess I am going to forever as well, no matter how fucked up my life gets , I some how tend to have this innate feeling that things are going to be fine at the end. Though I have every reason to not think that way, because I have faced enough of situations in life which should have given me my lessons but somehow I don’t seem to learn from them.

My close ones call me naïve , I guess I am hence I always take people for face value and think that the world is full of people who have a basic conscience and are not deceitful, but then I’m wrong. But some how again I love to believe that, and I am petrified of the day when I would change and become manipulative and plan each and every move of mine. I like being impulsive, though that’s the most dumb thing to do as you just land up making a fool of your self but somewhere I feel content. I feel that at least I was true to myself, and may be somewhere that gives me an ego boost (apart from the times when cute guyz compliment me …lol) .

This was just a thought that came to me while I was watching this film where the lead protagonist was talking about how happy ending don’t happen these days but yet some fools like me still believe in them.

insecurity....

What are insecurities exactly?

Are they our deep rooted fears?

Or they are just a part of our existence?

If I had the answer to the above question my life would have been way simpler.....

Cuz since the time I have been in any relationship I was told by several people that I am apparently a very insecure person.......

If that is true how do I get rid of them?

If I had to justify my behavior I would call myself attention seeking rather than insecure cuz when I am in a relationship of any sort, friendly, romantic, family etc I tend to give the other person a lot of importance and I expect the same thing from the other person...... Yeah I know that we are not supposed to expect anything from anyone, I've read millions of such quotes but is that really possible?

The journey

It started like a whirlwind of happiness and excitement
When the world seemed like the best place to be
When every thing around me made me smile
Months passed like days and days like minutes.
Every cell of my brain was infected with just one thought.

Then the whirlwind calmed down and the sky was clear
Life seemed incomplete without the feeling
It had become a part of my regular life
It was an integral part of my existence.
But the excitement had been replaced by dependence.

With time the clear sky started showing some dark clouds
The regular fights, misunderstandings
But again the joy of patching up
Taking each other for granted
And committing mistakes and hurting the other person.

Then the slow dark clouds accumulated to form a thunder storm
The whole world seemed spinning and had taken a toll
Like someone had injected the hate drug in the blood
Every little mistake seemed like a humongous crime
The sight of the other person was repelling

When a whirlwind comes it always results in a thunderstorm
But when it rains slowly it ends up giving a clear sky
And bright sunlight which gives everything a new life
That is why we all love whirlwinds
But we all are scared of thunder storms.

Judgments..

Oh my god! She is a slut because she has random sex with men,

Don’t talk to him, he is a junkie,

She got the promotion because she is an ass licker,

She is so well maintained, I’m sure she is a blonde!

How many times have we judged people like this before?

I am sure we do this on an everyday basis

But when other people pass such comments about us

We don’t like it.

We are always on an attempt to impress other people

Or try to do things which will make us socially acceptable.

But have we ever given it a thought why?

We always have our own convenience point,

Which we don’t cross because that’s the line we have drawn for our selves

And people who don’t do that, we persistently judge them.

Judgments are like the smoke of a cigarette,

We don’t like when we are on the receiving end

But love it when we are doing it.

But if we stop doing it,

We wouldn’t be perturbed even if people around us did it.

We often use the phrase “live and let live”

But do we ever practice it?

Some of us might be thinking that yes we do,

But on a sub conscious level we all do the exact opposite.

Knowingly or unknowingly we keep doing it,

Every moment we find something which is sporadic to our eyes.

But how hypocritical can we be,

When we see the same thing on the big screen,

Or read about such people in novels,

We don’t judge them; rather we look up to them,

Jim Morrison, Kate Winslet, Che Guevara,

We all love them don’t we?

Do we ever Judge them?

No, is the unanimous answer.

So why judge our fellas?

Just because they are not the so called “somebodies”?

Catastrophe

I knew this day had to come sometime,
Like we all know that we are going to die someday.
But no matter how cynical we are, we don’t want this day to arrive,
We try all possible means to avert it, but alas something’s are just meant to be.

And now that this day has finally come, I don’t know what I should be feeling
Relieved, enraged, poignant, impaired, or should I just move on?
But I sense a mixture of them and that’s when you don’t know what to do.
Every time I try to talk to myself about it, I come up with rational solutions
But when it comes to implementing them why do I become so irrational?

But you know what the best thing about being impulsive and irrational is?
You do whatever you want to, without thinking about the consequences.
This gives you an immense transitory pleasure,
But as soon as you’re back to the real world you realize what a big pit you are in.

she's a part time sister and a full time friend

She helps you with your love life,
She yells at you for not studying
You can vent out your emotions with her over a beer
And teach her how to smoke
She helps you choose the perfect dress for that special date
But alerts you about the date.

You don’t talk to her for years
But the next time you meet her
You feel like it was just yesterday that you met.
She’s the person who you can abuse and get away with
But it’s her that you admire.
Everyone, every thing around you changes
But what remains constant
Is the love and the bond you share.

Thoughts

With each passing day as my life unfolds,
my cynical thoughts about life just establishes itself all the more.
The line from the very famous song “when you get what you want but not what u need”
this seems like the sole constant factor in my existence.
Because with each passing day our needs, our wants changes, and we start building our world according to these changes thinking that someday they will be fulfilled but it doesn’t take long to realize that all this was nothing but just a false utopia we were living in.
There have been nights and even days when I try and engage myself in activities which are not even remotely close to my area of interest just to prevent my self from thinking.
Because I am scared, scared of my thoughts they are like drugs the more you indulge in it the more difficult it gets to come out of it. But somehow I have realized that the only solution to this is again nothing but thinking its like, to get out one drug you have to take aid of another drug. It’s painful but then healing involves umpteen amount of pain which you have to deal with.

crazy

I think I’m crazy
Crazy for you
I think I’m in love
In love with you

But then you don’t believe in love
Is that my fault?
You are attracted to me
So you can’t be my friend.

You like me you say
And that is enough for me
You can’t meet me you say
That shatters me.

I dream of you
I think of you
I talk of you
But does all this make any difference to you?

So here I ask you
What do you do?
When you are crazy
Crazy in love!



this is one of the worst poems you will ever come accross....but then i thought what the heck?

Enough is enough!!!!!!!!!!!!

At this late hour when I sit here at home without food, all alone without family, land lord and land lady risking their lives at the battle front as journalists, paranoid parents calling every two minutes I just wonder what must those people out there who are in a worse situation than I am must be facing. Just a handful of terrorists can destroy the financial capital of India our very own city of Mumbai in just 24 hours time. South Mumbai which is the most important place in this entire country, where the big daddies of India reside was just taken on a ride by a bunch of young lads?

It seems like Rambo in real life, where these young, insensitive, ruthless, mindless boys go around killing people with AK47 in their hands. It shocks me and at the same time I’m amazed by the carelessness and inefficiency of our government, the people on whom the entire country depends on. Few days ago there was a blast in the parliament and not even a single hair of the bodies of our ministers got affected (where as if I could do I would just go and kill those mother fucking illiterate assholes and I’m sure many of you will agree with me) but I’m dead sure if any of them would die or even get injured then Mumbai would not be facing such a situation today. This is the first of its kind where there has been constant attacking for 57 hours (unbelievable).

America had 9/11 once and since then there has been no attacks because the American citizens had taken up the matter in their hands and didn’t leave it to the government. But our motherland keeps getting attacked again and again but alas we the citizens do nothing about it but get angry about It and have good tea times debates, sit and write blogs (like I am), some are not bothered even to give it a second thought because they have not been affected personally and the others have moved on with their life.

The most surprising part is the insensitive, illiterate, politically incorrect comments and actions of our ministers. I mean what were they thinking when they made comments like “It was just a small attack, why should I resign?” and the chief minister goes to pay a visit to the The Taj with trashfilm maker Ram Gopal Verma and his actor son Ritesh Deshmukh im sure he went there to do field study about his sons next film which will be on this issue which is the most bankable issue right now. Not only this amidst all this our opposition party leaders have started playing their dirty politics also. I mean could anything get worse than this? Huh!

The few people who follow my blog ( don’t even know if there is one) can we please wake up and do something about the current situation of our country I mean if Rambo can take place in real life then so can Rang De Basanti!

Desire

I want to hold your hand and watch the sea
I want to hug you and feel the breeze
I want to kiss you when the sun sets
And I want you to see me in that new dress

I want to be cuddled in the pool by you
I want you to hug me and teach me pool
I want you to lick the ice cream on my lip
And smile at me every time we meet.

I want to see you with the morning sun
And make breakfast together
I want to go driving with you
And the car deck playing Denver

I want to dance with you in the rain
And fall sick together
All the above things are priceless
But this is all I desire.

The sandy breeze, the eternal wait
Makes me serene
The creamy cake, with RHCP in the background
Brightens my hour
The stoop of notes and the untouched books
Scares me to death
And during pujo, staying in Mumbai
Is like the icing on the cake.

I feel like breaking into tears when every time maa calls I hear the dhaker sobdo as the background music and the loud speakers playing “ aar koto raat aka thakbo”…..i have new clothes for pujo but then I have to wear them and study and go give the damn examination.
When the heart is somewhere else and the body elsewhere what does a person do?

Section 377

You must be wondering what I am talking about all of a sudden straight from love affairs now I am trying my hand at the legal affairs of our country. Well I’m sure many of us are aware of this act passed by the honorable British government in the year 1863 which says……

“Whoever voluntarily has carnal intercourse against the order of nature with any man, woman or animal, shall be punished with [imprisonment for life], or with imprisonment of either description for term which may extend to ten years, and shall also be liable to fine.
Explanation. -Penetration is sufficient to constitute the carnal intercourse necessary to the offence described in this section.”
Going by this law the Homosexuals are subject to the above penalty because unfortunately in India we cannot have our own sexual preferences and if we have them we are penalized for that and hey don’t you forget that India is a democratic country where we have all kinds of rights but our sexual rights and if you are a homosexual in India then god help you!!!!!
But as far as my knowledge and many research goes there are millions of “heterosexuals” who indulge in anal sex on a regular basis but then we never hear that they have been heavily penalized even to the extent of death for that….well if that would be the case then I’m sure most of us would have been dead or in prison by now….
India before the invasion of our demi gods, the Britishers, had vy liberated idea about sex, and come on we all know about the Khajuraho temples, The Kama Sutra (check out the one at crosswords), The Manuskriti, The Upanishads; all of these texts have the mention and glad acceptance of homosexuals but then thanks to the British government they were really good with their manipulating powers. But the irony lies here that in 2005, December same sex marriage has been legalized in the United Kingdom. So the law makers have amended the law but the liberal ones on whom the law had been imposed have internalized it now.
This issue has stirred me because this was the topic of my Public Relation presentation and after getting to know about all this I seriously feel that its high time we should do something. There are so many people I know who are homosexuals and its their way of life, they are biologically this way and they cannot help that. We cannot penalize them for that, this is heights of brutality and the I think educated people like us should do something about it but the saddest part is that the so called “straight” people like us only corner them when it comes to personal experience or confrontation. We ridicule them, mock them, laugh about them and also the word “GAY” is a very frequently used slang for the men folks “ Hey wearing a pink shirt is so gay” statements like this can be heard quite often these days. But I think with time we all have learnt to accept a lot of unjustified things in this world and this is something which is completely justified and its about many peoples life, if not love them we shouldn’t condemn them as well. They are normal people like us just that they prefer their same sex when it comes to love and making out, ( if that helps).

My poetic self has taken a stoll now, which resulted in the last three disastrous poems, please pardon me if u had a torturous time reading them.

The pleasant surprise

Nothing about the day was unusual,
The early morning class; the swarming bus; the mind-numbing lectures and my messed up life;
But very little did I know that sometimes life has some special gifts for you
When you need them the most

Sitting in the canteen with my only friend in this alien land,
We were waiting for the cinema lecture to commence
When a thought came to mind, “Why not visit the most picturesque place of the city” Where the waves hit the rocks like there was no tomorrow amidst the couples cozying up in the sand.

Every thing was perfect, the weather, the sea, but me.
Till I glanced someone sitting by the shore staring at the waves like a kid staring at a mansion of clay,
My heart skipped a beat and my knee grew weak.
The endearing “hey” accompanied with a warm smile was just enough to make my day.

The great mystery called love.....

It’s past midnight and here I sit down and wonder
Is there anything in this world to stay for ever?
I guess no, that is why death is the only bona fide
Death of emotion; death of love; death of friendship,
And hence everything goes to slumber.

The love of a young maiden is raw and crude
It is as simple as the morning bird’s song,
But simplicity is not what people seek.
Alas, the morning bird is not treasured but the nightingale is,
So the young maiden sits and broods.

A little birdie sits over her slender shoulder,
Whispers “love is a mystery that not a soul can solve”
But she still sits and tries to figure out the puzzle of love and life
Till she hears a faint voice singing at the other corner of the land
“Wise men say, only fools rush in……”
Thus both the cries grow fainter.