Sunday, November 15, 2009


I was forever terrified of being alone and thus always ran away from any such circumstances when I have to be lonely physically or emotionally. Because may be I thought I am incapable of being alone or I was scared to face myself. I always resorted to my friends and even random people at times to spend time with or talk to just to avoid being alone.

But then since last couple of months I have practically been alone and now when I look back at it I think I have managed to deal with it just fine.

This has made me more confident and now I know that I don’t need anyone beside me to make me happy or at least survive. The most significant realization that I had was that before when I was encircled by people I was in fact more lonely than I am now because then I didn’t even have myself with me as I was too busy in the process of gathering people around me, because truly every sole is lonely we just think that we are not.

The line by Tagore “Jodi tor dak shune keu na ashe tobe akla cholo re” (If no one responds to you then all you have to do is walk alone) is so simple but is so true. (No wonder he is the literary genius)

Not that I have built a world of mine or something but then at least I have learnt that nothing in this world is impossible and solitude is in fact not such a bloodcurdling thing (at least for extroverts like me).

P.S somehow all the clichéd phrases seem to have a lot of impact on me off late.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

For the not so acknowledged person in my life

Papa, dad, baba, all these words are synonymous with the word father a person who is probably the closest to any one. But for me in some way I always thought that I can never be very close to him emotionally or may be I thought that I could never have the same emotional association with him like the way I have with maa.

Papa was always the one to give me what I wanted in physical terms be it clothes, gifts, cars or even money for that matter. He is the one to pamper my material needs and I indisputably have always got what I wanted even before I have asked for it. But somewhere I thought that emotional connection was lacking and that I could never share any of my secrets or sorrows with him like I do with ma. May be I am at some level scared of him.

But lately as I grow up and start delving more into things I realized that even though there is no superficial emotional connect we connect at a very profound level where I don’t need to tell him when I need him the most and he is there for me.

This feeling stirred me up when recently I was extremely sad and thought that I have no one beside me excluding ma. I went to the living room to sit with my entire family ( which is a custom at my house every evening) just to accomplish my duty of a good daughter, when my dad called me and hugged me tightly and said “You are the most special person in my life “(after two pegs of scotch) . He did this quite frequently whenever he was high and that kind of annoyed me most of the times but somehow that day I had tears rolling down my eyes.

Even now when I am not going through a very ecstatic phase in my life and papa has absolutely no clue of that (at least I never let him know) but still he send me ticket to come back home thrice in a month. May be this is what you call the inner bond or the parental bond. At least this has made me realize the worth of my family. I guess this reinforces that the incredibly clichéd phrase “every dark cloud has a silver lining” is in fact true.