Thursday, December 10, 2009

10th December

Five years back this day had altered my life and since that day this date has been one of the most significant days of my life apart from my birth day. Very little did I know back then that this day would someday mean so much to me….

This day always takes me down memory lane to that chilly, December morning when I met some one extremely special at a tutorial.

I call him my best friend today (because I think this is the only relationship which can be at par with family), but then he is not here to celebrate this day with me and nor can I wish him…

So here I leave my note…

Sunday, November 15, 2009


I was forever terrified of being alone and thus always ran away from any such circumstances when I have to be lonely physically or emotionally. Because may be I thought I am incapable of being alone or I was scared to face myself. I always resorted to my friends and even random people at times to spend time with or talk to just to avoid being alone.

But then since last couple of months I have practically been alone and now when I look back at it I think I have managed to deal with it just fine.

This has made me more confident and now I know that I don’t need anyone beside me to make me happy or at least survive. The most significant realization that I had was that before when I was encircled by people I was in fact more lonely than I am now because then I didn’t even have myself with me as I was too busy in the process of gathering people around me, because truly every sole is lonely we just think that we are not.

The line by Tagore “Jodi tor dak shune keu na ashe tobe akla cholo re” (If no one responds to you then all you have to do is walk alone) is so simple but is so true. (No wonder he is the literary genius)

Not that I have built a world of mine or something but then at least I have learnt that nothing in this world is impossible and solitude is in fact not such a bloodcurdling thing (at least for extroverts like me).

P.S somehow all the clichéd phrases seem to have a lot of impact on me off late.

Sunday, November 01, 2009

For the not so acknowledged person in my life

Papa, dad, baba, all these words are synonymous with the word father a person who is probably the closest to any one. But for me in some way I always thought that I can never be very close to him emotionally or may be I thought that I could never have the same emotional association with him like the way I have with maa.

Papa was always the one to give me what I wanted in physical terms be it clothes, gifts, cars or even money for that matter. He is the one to pamper my material needs and I indisputably have always got what I wanted even before I have asked for it. But somewhere I thought that emotional connection was lacking and that I could never share any of my secrets or sorrows with him like I do with ma. May be I am at some level scared of him.

But lately as I grow up and start delving more into things I realized that even though there is no superficial emotional connect we connect at a very profound level where I don’t need to tell him when I need him the most and he is there for me.

This feeling stirred me up when recently I was extremely sad and thought that I have no one beside me excluding ma. I went to the living room to sit with my entire family ( which is a custom at my house every evening) just to accomplish my duty of a good daughter, when my dad called me and hugged me tightly and said “You are the most special person in my life “(after two pegs of scotch) . He did this quite frequently whenever he was high and that kind of annoyed me most of the times but somehow that day I had tears rolling down my eyes.

Even now when I am not going through a very ecstatic phase in my life and papa has absolutely no clue of that (at least I never let him know) but still he send me ticket to come back home thrice in a month. May be this is what you call the inner bond or the parental bond. At least this has made me realize the worth of my family. I guess this reinforces that the incredibly clichéd phrase “every dark cloud has a silver lining” is in fact true.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Its 4 30 pm and i was in the car with ma, arko (my brother) and troy( my dog) , my driver is zooming through the traffic because i have a flight in less than an hours time, ma is tensed if i would be able to make it on time, but streams of tears are rolling down my eyes and when the car enters the gate of the airport on time i finally burst out saying ...
"why did we reach on time?" clenching ma's hand and crying like a little girl who was punished by her teacher.......
"there is no place for emotions in this world" said ma her eyes red, the tear drop on the verge of popping out.....

Every time papa books my ticket for kolkata for some reason I feel sad because i don't want to go back, i don't want a change. I guess i am scared of change. Because its the same feeling when its time for me to go back to Mumbai from Home.
someone somewhere had said that "change is the only constant element of our lives".
But i would say its the most inevitable element in our lives....

p.s Its time for me to leave home and go back to Mumbai...

love and familiarity

It’s late at night,

Both of them have lost the track of time.

The October sky looks magnificent,

The pitch dark sky embedded with shining crystals. .

He asks her “Are you scared of the dark?”

And she just stares at the sky admiring its beauty.

But he could not see anything more beautiful than her,

Though it was dark and he could barely see her face.

Something was bothering him,

Was it her indifference or distance?

Did she really love him?

Or was it that uncanny familiarity that they had shared for years now.

It was not the same as before,

It definitely wasn’t.

But he could not understand why,

May be that is what was bothering him.

Monday, October 19, 2009


My first film in a theatre was with you,

So was my first date.

The first time I had a sip of alcohol,

or the first time I smoked a cigarette.

You were there in all my “first times”.

The fights we had and the love we shared.

The first time I saw what the city looked at night,

The rock concerts and the candle light dinners.

The insane fights followed by the stream of tears.

You were there in all my “zaniness”

But all this was possible only because you were there,

And never gave me a chance to feel your absence.

I took you for granted, misbehaved with you.

Like children do with their parents.

Because you are my family.

But today when I realize that you are actually going away,

For not very long but still,

I miss you and I feel sad.

Because in life you don’t easily get friends

And when you do, you don’t want to part from them.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009


Sometimes I wonder why we crib that there are no good actors in bollywood, because if we look around us we will find brilliant actors everyday. But the only thing that surprises me is that if they are such good actors then why they are even wasting their time and energy in any other profession which doesn’t even pay them one percent of what they could have earned by being a professional actor.

But on the other hand they achieve a lot of things anyways by their acting skills as well, things such as love which is so hard to find these days. I guess only actors these days find love, and if we look deeper it’s true an actor of any kind gets much more love than anyone else, be it our bollywood actors or real life actors. We all love them but all they have to do is just pretend to love us and once they get what they want they stop pretending as well. So I guess the losers are the people who love them actually looser is a wrong word, id rather call them fools.

I have had a very close encounter with such an actor and trust me he was outstanding at his job. I mean so convincing and effortless that he truly would have got an Oscar if he acted professionally.

Kudos to such people! I deeply, truly envy you guyz!!!!

Thursday, September 03, 2009

happy ending

I was just wondering how many people believe in happy endings? After all that is happening around us do we still believe in happy endings? I some how have always believed in them and guess I am going to forever as well, no matter how fucked up my life gets , I some how tend to have this innate feeling that things are going to be fine at the end. Though I have every reason to not think that way, because I have faced enough of situations in life which should have given me my lessons but somehow I don’t seem to learn from them.

My close ones call me naïve , I guess I am hence I always take people for face value and think that the world is full of people who have a basic conscience and are not deceitful, but then I’m wrong. But some how again I love to believe that, and I am petrified of the day when I would change and become manipulative and plan each and every move of mine. I like being impulsive, though that’s the most dumb thing to do as you just land up making a fool of your self but somewhere I feel content. I feel that at least I was true to myself, and may be somewhere that gives me an ego boost (apart from the times when cute guyz compliment me …lol) .

This was just a thought that came to me while I was watching this film where the lead protagonist was talking about how happy ending don’t happen these days but yet some fools like me still believe in them.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009


What are insecurities exactly?
Are they our deep rooted fears?
Or they are just a part of our existence?
If I had the answer to the above question my life would have been way simpler.....
Cuz since the time I have been in any relationship I was told by several people that I am apparently a very insecure person.......
If that is true how do I get rid of them?
If I had to justify my behavior I would call myself attention seeking rather than insecure cuz when I am in a relationship of any sort, friendly, romantic, family etc I tend to give the other person a lot of importance and I expect the same thing from the other person...... Yeah I know that we are not supposed to expect anything from anyone, I've read millions of such quotes but is that really possible?

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

The journey

It started like a whirlwind of happiness and excitement
When the world seemed like the best place to be
When every thing around me made me smile
Months passed like days and days like minutes.
Every cell of my brain was infected with just one thought.

Then the whirlwind calmed down and the sky was clear
Life seemed incomplete without the feeling
It had become a part of my regular life
It was an integral part of my existence.
But the excitement had been replaced by dependence.

With time the clear sky started showing some dark clouds
The regular fights, misunderstandings
But again the joy of patching up
Taking each other for granted
And committing mistakes and hurting the other person.

Then the slow dark clouds accumulated to form a thunder storm
The whole world seemed spinning and had taken a toll
Like someone had injected the hate drug in the blood
Every little mistake seemed like a humongous crime
The sight of the other person was repelling

When a whirlwind comes it always results in a thunderstorm
But when it rains slowly it ends up giving a clear sky
And bright sunlight which gives everything a new life
That is why we all love whirlwinds
But we all are scared of thunder storms.

Friday, March 06, 2009


Oh my god! She is a slut because she has random sex with men,

Don’t talk to him, he is a junkie,

She got the promotion because she is an ass licker,

She is so well maintained, I’m sure she is a blonde!

How many times have we judged people like this before?

I am sure we do this on an everyday basis

But when other people pass such comments about us

We don’t like it.

We are always on an attempt to impress other people

Or try to do things which will make us socially acceptable.

But have we ever given it a thought why?

We always have our own convenience point,

Which we don’t cross because that’s the line we have drawn for our selves

And people who don’t do that, we persistently judge them.

Judgments are like the smoke of a cigarette,

We don’t like when we are on the receiving end

But love it when we are doing it.

But if we stop doing it,

We wouldn’t be perturbed even if people around us did it.

We often use the phrase “live and let live”

But do we ever practice it?

Some of us might be thinking that yes we do,

But on a sub conscious level we all do the exact opposite.

Knowingly or unknowingly we keep doing it,

Every moment we find something which is sporadic to our eyes.

But how hypocritical can we be,

When we see the same thing on the big screen,

Or read about such people in novels,

We don’t judge them; rather we look up to them,

Jim Morrison, Kate Winslet, Che Guevara,

We all love them don’t we?

Do we ever Judge them?

No, is the unanimous answer.

So why judge our fellas?

Just because they are not the so called “somebodies”?

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


I knew this day had to come sometime,
Like we all know that we are going to die someday.
But no matter how cynical we are, we don’t want this day to arrive,
We try all possible means to avert it, but alas something’s are just meant to be.

And now that this day has finally come, I don’t know what I should be feeling
Relieved, enraged, poignant, impaired, or should I just move on?
But I sense a mixture of them and that’s when you don’t know what to do.
Every time I try to talk to myself about it, I come up with rational solutions
But when it comes to implementing them why do I become so irrational?

But you know what the best thing about being impulsive and irrational is?
You do whatever you want to, without thinking about the consequences.
This gives you an immense transitory pleasure,
But as soon as you’re back to the real world you realize what a big pit you are in.

Monday, January 12, 2009

she's a part time sister and a full time friend

She helps you with your love life,
She yells at you for not studying
You can vent out your emotions with her over a beer
And teach her how to smoke
She helps you choose the perfect dress for that special date
But alerts you about the date.

You don’t talk to her for years
But the next time you meet her
You feel like it was just yesterday that you met.
She’s the person who you can abuse and get away with
But it’s her that you admire.
Everyone, every thing around you changes
But what remains constant
Is the love and the bond you share.


With each passing day as my life unfolds,
my cynical thoughts about life just establishes itself all the more.
The line from the very famous song “when you get what you want but not what u need”
this seems like the sole constant factor in my existence.
Because with each passing day our needs, our wants changes, and we start building our world according to these changes thinking that someday they will be fulfilled but it doesn’t take long to realize that all this was nothing but just a false utopia we were living in.
There have been nights and even days when I try and engage myself in activities which are not even remotely close to my area of interest just to prevent my self from thinking.
Because I am scared, scared of my thoughts they are like drugs the more you indulge in it the more difficult it gets to come out of it. But somehow I have realized that the only solution to this is again nothing but thinking its like, to get out one drug you have to take aid of another drug. It’s painful but then healing involves umpteen amount of pain which you have to deal with.