10th December

Five years back this day had altered my life and since that day this date has been one of the most significant days of my life apart from my birth day. Very little did I know back then that this day would someday mean so much to me….

This day always takes me down memory lane to that chilly, December morning when I met some one extremely special at a tutorial.

I call him my best friend today (because I think this is the only relationship which can be at par with family), but then he is not here to celebrate this day with me and nor can I wish him…

So here I leave my note…

Solitude

I was forever terrified of being alone and thus always ran away from any such circumstances when I have to be lonely physically or emotionally. Because may be I thought I am incapable of being alone or I was scared to face myself. I always resorted to my friends and even random people at times to spend time with or talk to just to avoid being alone.

But then since last couple of months I have practically been alone and now when I look back at it I think I have managed to deal with it just fine.

This has made me more confident and now I know that I don’t need anyone beside me to make me happy or at least survive. The most significant realization that I had was that before when I was encircled by people I was in fact more lonely than I am now because then I didn’t even have myself with me as I was too busy in the process of gathering people around me, because truly every sole is lonely we just think that we are not.

The line by Tagore “Jodi tor dak shune keu na ashe tobe akla cholo re” (If no one responds to you then all you have to do is walk alone) is so simple but is so true. (No wonder he is the literary genius)

Not that I have built a world of mine or something but then at least I have learnt that nothing in this world is impossible and solitude is in fact not such a bloodcurdling thing (at least for extroverts like me).

P.S somehow all the clichéd phrases seem to have a lot of impact on me off late.

For the not so acknowledged person in my life

Papa, dad, baba, all these words are synonymous with the word father a person who is probably the closest to any one. But for me in some way I always thought that I can never be very close to him emotionally or may be I thought that I could never have the same emotional association with him like the way I have with maa.

Papa was always the one to give me what I wanted in physical terms be it clothes, gifts, cars or even money for that matter. He is the one to pamper my material needs and I indisputably have always got what I wanted even before I have asked for it. But somewhere I thought that emotional connection was lacking and that I could never share any of my secrets or sorrows with him like I do with ma. May be I am at some level scared of him.

But lately as I grow up and start delving more into things I realized that even though there is no superficial emotional connect we connect at a very profound level where I don’t need to tell him when I need him the most and he is there for me.

This feeling stirred me up when recently I was extremely sad and thought that I have no one beside me excluding ma. I went to the living room to sit with my entire family ( which is a custom at my house every evening) just to accomplish my duty of a good daughter, when my dad called me and hugged me tightly and said “You are the most special person in my life “(after two pegs of scotch) . He did this quite frequently whenever he was high and that kind of annoyed me most of the times but somehow that day I had tears rolling down my eyes.

Even now when I am not going through a very ecstatic phase in my life and papa has absolutely no clue of that (at least I never let him know) but still he send me ticket to come back home thrice in a month. May be this is what you call the inner bond or the parental bond. At least this has made me realize the worth of my family. I guess this reinforces that the incredibly clichéd phrase “every dark cloud has a silver lining” is in fact true.

Its 4 30 pm and i was in the car with ma, arko (my brother) and troy( my dog) , my driver is zooming through the traffic because i have a flight in less than an hours time, ma is tensed if i would be able to make it on time, but streams of tears are rolling down my eyes and when the car enters the gate of the airport on time i finally burst out saying ...

"why did we reach on time?" clenching ma's hand and crying like a little girl who was punished by her teacher.......

"there is no place for emotions in this world" said ma her eyes red, the tear drop on the verge of popping out.....

Every time papa books my ticket for kolkata for some reason I feel sad because i don't want to go back, i don't want a change. I guess i am scared of change. Because its the same feeling when its time for me to go back to Mumbai from Home.

someone somewhere had said that "change is the only constant element of our lives".

But i would say its the most inevitable element in our lives....

p.s Its time for me to leave home and go back to Mumbai...

love and familiarity

It’s late at night,

Both of them have lost the track of time.

The October sky looks magnificent,

The pitch dark sky embedded with shining crystals. .

He asks her “Are you scared of the dark?”

And she just stares at the sky admiring its beauty.

But he could not see anything more beautiful than her,

Though it was dark and he could barely see her face.

Something was bothering him,

Was it her indifference or distance?

Did she really love him?

Or was it that uncanny familiarity that they had shared for years now.

It was not the same as before,

It definitely wasn’t.

But he could not understand why,

May be that is what was bothering him.

Parting

My first film in a theatre was with you,

So was my first date.

The first time I had a sip of alcohol,

or the first time I smoked a cigarette.

You were there in all my “first times”.

The fights we had and the love we shared.

The first time I saw what the city looked at night,

The rock concerts and the candle light dinners.

The insane fights followed by the stream of tears.

You were there in all my “zaniness”

But all this was possible only because you were there,

And never gave me a chance to feel your absence.

I took you for granted, misbehaved with you.

Like children do with their parents.

Because you are my family.

But today when I realize that you are actually going away,

For not very long but still,

I miss you and I feel sad.

Because in life you don’t easily get friends

And when you do, you don’t want to part from them.

Actors

Sometimes I wonder why we crib that there are no good actors in bollywood, because if we look around us we will find brilliant actors everyday. But the only thing that surprises me is that if they are such good actors then why they are even wasting their time and energy in any other profession which doesn’t even pay them one percent of what they could have earned by being a professional actor.

But on the other hand they achieve a lot of things anyways by their acting skills as well, things such as love which is so hard to find these days. I guess only actors these days find love, and if we look deeper it’s true an actor of any kind gets much more love than anyone else, be it our bollywood actors or real life actors. We all love them but all they have to do is just pretend to love us and once they get what they want they stop pretending as well. So I guess the losers are the people who love them actually looser is a wrong word, id rather call them fools.

I have had a very close encounter with such an actor and trust me he was outstanding at his job. I mean so convincing and effortless that he truly would have got an Oscar if he acted professionally.

Kudos to such people! I deeply, truly envy you guyz!!!!

happy ending

I was just wondering how many people believe in happy endings? After all that is happening around us do we still believe in happy endings? I some how have always believed in them and guess I am going to forever as well, no matter how fucked up my life gets , I some how tend to have this innate feeling that things are going to be fine at the end. Though I have every reason to not think that way, because I have faced enough of situations in life which should have given me my lessons but somehow I don’t seem to learn from them.

My close ones call me naïve , I guess I am hence I always take people for face value and think that the world is full of people who have a basic conscience and are not deceitful, but then I’m wrong. But some how again I love to believe that, and I am petrified of the day when I would change and become manipulative and plan each and every move of mine. I like being impulsive, though that’s the most dumb thing to do as you just land up making a fool of your self but somewhere I feel content. I feel that at least I was true to myself, and may be somewhere that gives me an ego boost (apart from the times when cute guyz compliment me …lol) .

This was just a thought that came to me while I was watching this film where the lead protagonist was talking about how happy ending don’t happen these days but yet some fools like me still believe in them.